It is so weird that it is now the month of march and just 4 years ago I said "I do" to the man I dedicated my heart to...
One of the biggest lessons that Hubby and I have learned since getting married is this:
While for years before I even met Hubby, while we were engaged, at our wedding, and after, the phrase I constantly heard over and over again and that I actually believed to be true was the phrase "Don't go to bed angry at each other." AKA...solve your fights before going to bed. We tried that. We really, Really, REALLY tried that. And you know what? It didn't work for us. Instead it made things worse. At night when we are sleepy we get grumpy and emotionally and mentally exhausted which then made our fights even worse because our grumpiness and emotions are high and we aren't thinking clearly because of sleep deprivation. That doesn't help when you are trying to be calm and rational thus we would just keep getting angrier. Finally we tried something new, something Hubby had been wanting to do for awhile..."Let's sleep on it."
We decided to stop our fight once it got to a certain point and instead go to sleep. Yes, I (being the crazy emotional one) would still be awake for another hour sulking while he was vast asleep...but we did stop fighting and I eventually did go to sleep. The next day, since we slept on it, we were thinking much clearer about the situation at hand. Then by the afternoon and getting out of work we realized we were able to talk about the subject again, so to keep ourselves in check we went out in public to talk. It didn't matter where, as long as we went somewhere public to sit down with a pencil and paper at hand to discuss our issue in a very rational and calm way so that we would be able to talk through it. And you know what? It worked like a charm! Since we weren't sleepy we were thinking clearly. Since we were in public we stayed calm and rational. And since we had a pencil and paper in our hands to list out and discuss our issue completely through we were successful. Then we would pray together and go home happy, apologetic, and in understanding of one another -something we couldn't do when sleepy.
So, ever since that first time, I quit repeating the phrase "Don't go to bed angry" and we continued to just 'sleep on it' and give it time and then go out and discuss it. Since then I will say or write to people, "Figure out what works for you and as long as it is morally right, do it. Don't worry about what others think of you, just do what works for the two you." Why is this much better? Because everyone is different and so while for probably most couples it is a great rule to follow 'to not go to bed angry at one another', it may not work for everyone, like us. So our biggest lesson ever was figuring out what worked for us instead of doing what everyone else says to do.
P.S. Yes, ever so often we have been so upset that it took two whole days before we would come together and discuss it, but eventually we always do and it always ends the same happy and resolute way. By the way, we would never send the other out to the couch to sleep, we still slept in the same bed no matter how upset we were. We would still talk about other things as well, just not the subject that got us fighting until it was time to discuss it in the way I described above.
What are some things that you and your spouse found that works well for you?
Please keep your comments bellow morally clean and appropriate considering this tender subject.
2 comments:
My view on it is by sleeping on it, you've put your anger on hold. So you are technically not going to bed angry. That's how we do it as well. And as for sending your spouse to the couch to sleep for the ones who do is very selfish.
I agree with you, it does seem to be a very selfish thing to do. It's something I never had the heart to do to my husband. There have only been two times that I left him in the bed and I went to the couch, but that was just because I couldn't sleep because he was snoring too loudly. HAHA! But that's before I got earplugs.
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